Saturday, Aug 29, 2020, 6:21 am

By:Tony Williams

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1.Face protector

There are plenty of times in life where if makes perfect sense to want your face protected: playing contact sports, riding a bike, dating Charlie Sheen. I wouldn't think that eating Chinese food would be one such occasion, but then maybe I've just been eating the wrong Chinese food all these years.

2.Antibacterial underwear for men

So you want to be a hip, trendy guy in China, huh? But you also don't want to catch any bacterial infections? How about some antibacterial underwear? Seriously, this is a real thing you can buy at the Chinese Walmart. You can also buy the bikini underwear for men as well.

3.Pig faces

Do the Chines enjoy eating pig faces or do they simply have a fondness for Halloween masks that go beyond what the rest of the world understands to be appropriate. Of course, after a look at this picture it's hard to imagine any way the word appropriate could apply.

4.Dried reptiles

There's probably a reason the Chinese like to purchase dried reptiles at their Walmarts. But I can't imagine what those reasons could be. I could speculate on it but it only make me lose respect for the Chinese, so I'll just assume they exist for perfectly valid reasons like conjuring up spirits of the dead.

5.Live turtle key rings

Turtles can make adorable house pets. And key rings can make... well, key rings. But it probably never occurred to you that someone could make an absurd amount of money combining the two things, now did it? Probably because you're not a Chinese designer. At least not the one insane enough to conjure up this idea.

6.Robot fast food

Automation plays a big role in our fast-paced lives. But the role it often plays in Chinese restaurants is a strange combination of awesome and scary. Chinese robots have been known to prep, cook and on occasion serve the food at some restaurants. Some would find this highly impersonal, but some find the human service at restaurants highly impersonal.

7.Scorpion on a stick

The Chinese seem to have a fondness for eating highly dangerous food. In this case they don't just eat it, they appear to enjoy taunting the food by impaling it on a small wooden stick. There are also seahorses on a stick for those who like their meals merely bizarre instead of bizarre and formerly lethal.

8.Driver (for traffic jams)

There's nothing unusual about purchasing the services of a driver. Unless you're paying the driver to simply sit in your car for hours while doing no actual driving. Say what? Yes, in this case the "driver" is paid to simply sit in your car while you are trapped in a traffic jam. Not a bad job, I suppose.

9.Vending machine crabs

There are things that don't make much sense to sell in a vending machine. And sure enough the Chinese have tried all of them. The latest entry in this bizarre standoff the Chinese have with vending machine-related common sense is crabs. The machines are stocked daily and properly refrigerated. Beyond that, they make no sense.

10.Shark meat

Having seen Jaws way too many times, I have a hard time imagining anyone finding these terrors of the ocean tasty. But it seems the Chinese do. Fishing for them must be quite an adventure. But then finding a sauce that makes them taste like something you'd want to eat a second time must be interesting as well.

11.Crocodiles at Walmart

I suppose there are a number of things one could do with a dead crocodile: decorate your living room, hang your coat, frighten your family members. But the strangest of all possibilities seem to be the preference of the Chinese. Yes, the Chinese eat them. I don't know what they taste like and I hope to never find out.

12.Pandas, Pandas, Pandas!

The Chinese seem to be crazy for anything related to pandas. There are stuffed pandas, panda t-shirts, even tea consisting of panda excrement. Sadly, I'm not making that up. It is believed that panda feces contains a cure for certain types of cancer. And the Chinese have not hesitated to give it a try.

13.Air in a can

This may seem like somebody's idea of a weird joke. And actually it is. The idea of granting citizens of the highly polluted Chinese environment an opportunity to breathe fresh, refined air began as a statement and soon became an actual product. I don't know how popular it is, but sadly, it may soon become a necessity.

14.Grain c0ndoms

It's not entirely clear how it was decided that grain was the ideal substance to manufacture c0ndoms with, but somehow that is exactly what happened in China, because seriously, where else in the world would such a thing happen? Grain c0ndoms are just perfect for those special moments in life for you and a lady you hope doesn't have a grain allergy.

15.Obama Fried Chicken

Yes, there is actually a restaurant in Beijing, China called Obama Fried Chicken. I imagine you could buy a number of mouth-watering chicken parts as well as all manner of side orders too. Apparently the Chinese have little respect for copyrights as they simply "borrow" what they want from American culture.

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