15 Hilarious Husband And Wife Jokes Ever
Sunday, Aug 23, 2020, 4:37 pm
By:James Fraser
When you are single, you see happily married couples everywhere! When you are married, you find happy singles everywhere! Marriages are tricky and complicated. It's an awesome feeling if everything goes well. If not, you have to live with that one annoying person for years unless you are willing to deal with all the personal and financial mess, a divorce brings with it. So, how can one make sure their marriage lasts for eternity? Well, it's quite easy! Make every day of your married life as beautiful and memorable as you can. Don't ever allow a third person to come in between you and your partner and most importantly, make sure every day you make your partner smile and laugh. And to help you with that, Here are fifteen hilarious husband and wife jokes that will make you laugh irrespective of your marital status.
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1.Who's Deaf?
A man goes to a doctor. He says, "Hey doctor, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor replies, "Here's something you can try to tell if she's really going deaf. Stand a few steps away from your wife and ask her some question. Walk a few steps close to her until she responds. You remember the distance and come back to me."
The man goes home. He says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He doesn't hear an answer, so he slowly walks closer toward her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" He asks.
He doesn't get any response.
He moves a little further, and asks her, "Hey, honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "Jesus, for the eleventh time, I said we are having meatloaf for dinner!!!"
2.A Sad Husband!
Once, a man walked into a bar. He looked very sad and depressed. The bartender asked the man what he wants, to which the man replied, "A beer." The bartender asked him why he was sad that day. The man said, "I got into a fight with my wife. She said she will not talk to me for a month." The bartender said, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope she talks to you very soon."
The man replied, "Well, the one month is up tonight. She will be speaking with me from tomorrow."
3.The Man at a Supermarket
A man approached a beautiful woman at a supermarket. He said, "Hey, can you speak with me for five minutes. The woman simply asked, "Why?" The man replied, "I have lost my wife here in the supermarket. Every time I speak to a beautiful woman she appears out of nowhere!"
4.Oh, Mr. Smith!
Mr. Smith's wife had been in coma for four months. She wasn’t moving much, except when the nurses touch her crotch area to wash. The nurses told the same thing to the doctor. The doctor had a brilliant idea. He called Mr. Smith to hospital and asked him to do oral sex, telling him that she may wake up from coma. Mr. Smith asked for privacy. He soon came out running and said, "Doctor... doctor... I think she's choking!"
5.The Dad Had No Clue
A man kills a deer and brings it home for dinner.He and his wife decide they won't tell the kids what they are eating! But dad gives them a clue, It's what your mom calls me? the little girl screams to her brother "don't eat it! it's an asshole!"
6.Kid Catches Parents
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mother on top of his father bouncing up and down. The mother sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She quickly dresses and goes to find him and, when the son sees his mother and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mother, puzzled.
"Well, each time you go out shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again!"
See More: 15 Hilarious Adult Jokes Ever
7.This Hilarious Compliment from a Husband
Wife: I look old, fat and ugly. I feel horrible. (Looks into mirror with husband standing next to her)
Wife: Now, I want you to give me a real good compliment to boost my confidence!
Husband: You look good, honey.
Wife: No, no, I want something very real and genuine!
Husband: Your eyesight is goddamn great! (Adjusts glasses on his nose)
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8.This Funny Classified Ad
A man posted an ad on a classified website - "Wife wanted" and didn't give any information other than his email address. The next day he received 100 messages. They all said the same thing, "Take mine."
9.Different Phases of Marriage
The first two years - The husband speaks and the wife listens
Third and fourth year - The wife speaks and the husband listens
Fifth and sixth year - The both speak, and don't listen a thing, but the neighbors listen everything.
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10.The Mysterious Panties
A wife comes back to home after visiting her mother, who is living in another state. The wife finds a pair of panties in her room that don't belong to her. She grills her husband, and he says he doesn't know anything about them. She calls maid and asks her if they belong to her. The maid said, "No, they aren't mine. I don't even wear panties. If you don't believe me, you can ask your husband!"
11.This Funny Wife
Wife bought a new see-through nightdress and wore it without wearing any undergarments. She came dancing to her husband and asked him how she looked in the dress. The aroused husband said, "Wow, darling. You look so sexy and hot!" The wife replied, "I know. I wore the dress exactly like this in the store, and the salesperson said the same thing!
READ MORE: 15 Funniest Adult Jokes
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12.This Epic Burn!
A husband and wife were driving down a country road. The couple had an argument, and none of them were talking to each other for over thirty minutes. As the couple passed a barnyard of pigs, he turned to her and said, "Relatives of yours, huh?" She replied, "Yes." The husband started laughing hard. She quietly said, "In-laws!"
13.This Irritated Wife
An angry woman at a party was speaking with her husband on the phone, "I told you many times that I will be back home in five minutes. Why do you call me once in every half an hour? Are you mad?"
14.Three Guys at a Bar
First guy - "My wife is dumb. She carries an automatic garage door opener in her car, but garage doesn't have a door at all!"
Second guy - "My wife is dumb too. She carries an iPod in her purse but she doesn't have earphones!
Third guy - "My wife is way too dumb man. She carries so many condoms in her purse though she doesn't have a d*ck!"
15.That Was Hilarious!
Cop: I was originally trying to pull you over to tell you that your taillight is out. Why did you take off like that? Are you hiding something in your car?
Man: No, officer. I'm not hiding anything. Last week, my wife ran away with a cop. I was afraid the cop was you, and you were trying to give her back to me.
READ MORE: 15 Best Mexican Jokes
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